Women Wars

I read two excellent posts today compliments of Blue-Eyed Bride.  Both concerned "mommy wars," but I prefer to call them women wars.  This post I wrote was the result of a conversation with someone who was not a mother.  After reading Blue-Eyed Bride, another blog, and witnessing a ridiculous debate on Facebook spurred by a post about Dr. Brown's bottles, I had to chime in.

Who decides what's best in terms of parenting?  It can't be a book, because there are no less than a million parenting books in print.  It shouldn't be a mom with a blog, a mom on TV, or a mom down the street, because surely those children are not like my children.  It should be the parents, or parent, who are raising that child, but sadly that doesn't seem to be the case.  I read books and blogs, watch TV, and talk to other moms because I love to hear how they do it, what works for them, etc.  I blog to remember how I've done it, what works, etc.  Here's how I stack up in the debates.   I share not to justify but for those interested or who face the same decisions.

In this house, breast was NOT best.  Avery stopped nursing well on day 2.  Her nurse was not the best,  I was not encouraged to wake her, and was not informed that she wasn't peeing enough.  I was kind of out of it, which I'll explain below.  Early day 3 we found out that she was jaundice, and I was also told she had been 12 hours without peeing.  This was also the day that they discovered her low resting heart rate, and she was placed on a monitor.  I was told to pump and supplement.  She was a lazy eater in the beginning, and the bottle kept her from working as hard.  I pumped in the hospital but could not continue at home.  I developed preeclampsia as I went into labor and was on magnesium sulfate for 2 days.  My blood pressure skyrocketed each time I sat up after delivery.  By day 3 I was having crazy heart palpitations that would make me feel like I was going to pass out.  Every 3 hours, I walked to the nursery, fed Avery her bottle, then pumped and returned the milk to the nursery.  I was getting no rest, and rest was needed to handle the stress of Avery's unknown heart condition in addition to the regular care of a newborn.  We went to only formula at home and never looked back.  Me not breastfeeding Avery did not put a scarlet letter on either or our chests, and I don't think you could look at her and tell she was fed that "terrible" formula.  Ned would prefer that I not breastfeed the next baby, and we will make that decision when the time comes as it may be easier then.  He recognized the stress it lifted when I finally gave up, the amount of rest I was able to get with him doing every other bottle, and the bonding it gave the two of them.  I think moms who breastfeed for however long are awesome, but please don't tell me it was best for us.

I do many other "wrong" things too.  I work outside the home, we cried it out at 4 months because I knew she could sleep through the night, and I said "Yes, please" for an epidural.  We did what was best for us.  When someone makes blanket statements that breast feeding is best, co-sleeping is best, whatever, it implies that I am choosing not to do what's best for my child.  I've wanted children for too long to purposefully make a decision that wouldn't be best for my child and family.  While I don't agree with these statements, I can and sometimes do get offended.  I'm not looking for a mother who breast feeds to tell me it's ok that I didn't.  I know it is.  A simple "good job" will do just fine.

I have never been openly judged for any of the above decisions, but who knows what has been said behind my back.  There are always people who bad mouth friends' decisions, from parenting to houses, and if they are your friend, you have to wonder if they do it to you too.  Ned and I do receive some jabs about Avery's schedule.  I've heard it referred to as being a slave to your child's sleep schedule, and I say yes I am, thanks.  Put your child to bed at 11 p.m. if it works for that child, but not because it works for you and your schedule.  We do what's best for us, and I can only assume that most parents do the same.  That is not to say that these decisions came easy.  Many were met with tears, worry, and stress.  I have come to learn that I was more worried about the opinions of others, and I am happy to see a better way now.

We all judge, and I'm not claiming not to.  I have a very critical eye for people who don't follow car seat rules and other safety things in general.  But, I hope that all that's been said in this blog has always been conveyed as a recording of what works and doesn't work for us.  Motherhood is not a competition to see who makes the best choices, who's child sleeps in a big bed or potty trains first, who's child is speaking in paragraphs, and proclaiming it's intelligence that makes these things happen.  Motherhood should be about molding little people to the best of our ability and supporting all the others who have taken on this tremendous job.

If you are a woman, visit Blue-Eyed Bride today and read both posts.  It will make you a better mother, friend, woman, or all three.  Motherhood has been my toughest times for friendships.  There are woman without children and woman with differing opinions, and though I try to keep up, it isn't reciprocated.  I can pick out competitive tendencies in friends and am learning to be confident of my choices, house, and all of life in their presence.  I am growing more secure and pray that they can feel the same.  I am so thankful for blogging and social media friends, both known and unknown.  I don't need a comment on every blog, status, or picture, but those that offer cheers for a milestone or encouragement for a bad day are appreciated greatly.  I am thankful for those that make an effort to stay connected in our lives, and would love to have lunch with all of you!  Take time today to support the women in your life.